I’m not in control, but I know you are God

June 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

May 20, 2013.

My back and my stomach ached, my left wrist felt strained and these irritating mosquito bites all over my body ain’t helping. I woke up from my two and a half hour nap with a mosquito bite on my left eyelid – My eye was swollen. All of these physical ailments have been defeating me and have been suffocating the air to the flame of my will. I feel unable to continue. Today I discovered that I am unable to work under the pain of all these physical ailments.  I wanted to work and do something productive, but I just can’t do it with my own strength.

I made a promise like vow to myself on one of the first few days here in the Dominican Republic. I promised to not give into any physical ailments.

“I was on the verge of tears, feeling defeated by this physical illness. I did not cry and I firmly said to myself like a promise, “I will still work even if I do collapse.” I stood up and walked downstairs.”

This promise which I thought would help me work harder actually made my life worse. It was deteriorating my personality because I was the one taking control – my stubbornness and rebellion to my body shocked me. After our dinner, I decided to take a nap because I needed to rest my body. I slept solidly for two and a half hours, waking up to find Lyon grabbing my leg. I rose up from my bed and I knew I wasn’t feeling moody or introverted anymore – I was myself once again, refreshed and revived. During my sleep, God gave me many dreams and he filled me with complete rest and strength.

I know now that making promises and/or vows to yourself can disorientate your personality. I became selfish because I wanted to use my own strength and will to push through this storm, but God intervened and opened my eyes to see that I am not in control. He is the one in control and the one who gives me strength, rest and more!

Spending time with God in the mornings and in the evenings is a MUST.

God, direct me in your ways and put aside my selfishness and desires so I can follow you.  O, Lord, you are in control because you are the king of kings and the one who rules over all the kingdoms. Guide me with your light and lead me out of these storms and into the palms of your hands. Use me according to your will and glory. Teach me your ways. Empower me with your words of wisdom and knowledge. Jesus, I am privileged to be here. Amen

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