October 26, 2013 § Leave a comment
Everyday for these past few weeks God has been pursuing me.
I wake up 2-3 minutes before my alarm goes off. It’s like He is saying to me, “It’s time for you to wake up and get ready for work.” It’s great to wake up fresh, although lately I have been sleeping in passed the time God wakes me up. I love sleep and I feel if I just get a few more minutes I will feel well rested. Unfortunately I wake up more groggier than ever and then I have to speak to myself, “WAKE UP! GET UP!” and I do. Ugh the horrible feeling of waking up more tired than ever and only if I had responded to God’s gentle wake up call I wouldn’t have to feel so sleepy in the first place. I thank God every now and then for waking me up and for giving me restful sleeps and wonderful dreams.
And it was two days ago where God spoke truth into my life.
Oct 23, 2013.
I have been thinking about loneliness and many of my thoughts have lingered over death. I feel like I am losing my worth. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like I am boasting to my friends what God is doing in my life. I don’t always want to talk. I want to listen… Why do I feel so incompetent to do anything? I’m hiding under a bridge in darkness. Fear is taking control in my life.
1) My eyes are crying, and the tears just keep coming out… I’m swinging alone on a swing. no one is pushing me. no one is near me. I’m alone…
2) I pound my fist on the ground, water is falling out of my eyes and the ruins of the bridge lays before me. Light shines over me like the rain.
Ever since I have been working in a restaurant, I shove all my guilt and wrong mistakes away. I almost feel like a robot, that when I do something wrong, I have no feeling of guilt to follow with my mistake. I keep questioning why I exist…
I started to think about Kimberley and her two daughters. I haven’t seen them at church in awhile… I picked up a book called “Walking with God” and I started to read the words on the back and front cover.
It said: “For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do no deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is My command be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Josh. 1:5-9. I will not fail you or abandon you. Be strong and courageous.“
This book was a gift from Kimberley and her two daughters. I cried when I knew God was continuing to pursue me with these messages of love and encouragement.
I questioned Him, “God why do you continue to pursue me?”
This book fell from my bookshelf yesterday (Oct 22, 2013). When it fell I spoke out loud, “It just happened to have fallen right now.” I picked up the book, but I didn’t know why it fell. I opened it up and tried to find what God was saying to me. I didn’t find anything so I placed the book on my bed hoping to find a message from God later.
Ah, so this was the message that God was trying to tell me yesterday (Oct 22, 2013). And that was also why I cried yesterday too… it was because I felt defeated, worthless, and scared.
I continued to journal with God.
Where are you Jesus? Draw me to you now.
Vision: I see him standing and walking out to me on a huge tree branch. I am standing on the arm of this ancient tree. I asked Jesus, “What did you want to tell me?” Suddenly we are in the story of Moses crossing the red sea. We are still standing on the branch of this tree and Jesus is showing me the beautiful wall of the waters splitting. I see the huge and mystical creatures swim around the high risen wall of water, it’s like I’m in an aquarium watching the fish swim. (I am reminded of exodus 14:21-22 too).
I looked up the story of Moses crossing the Red Sea and I am directed to Exodus 14:13-14. “Moses answered the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today… The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ ” – Do not be afraid: Moses had no idea how God would help the Egyptians in this situation = He knew God certainly would help. Moses knew he was in a bad situation that God had to come through. Stand still – God calling me to stand still and hold my peace until he reveals his plans.
It’s crazy to see how God continues to pursue me, as I keep mediating on his word, He continues to reveal more of his many revelations to me.
“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3
Yesterday at Bible study (Thursday Oct 24, 2013) God revealed two revelations to me. 1) I realized my bible study prayer group is basically my life group. 2) Fear has been silencing me because I feel like I am boasting about my connection with God when I’m always trying to redirect the Glory back to Him whenever He answers my prayers. The enemy has been using my own humility against me. That has also been why I have been frustrated with other people who in the past have asked me to pray for them. People think that God answers my prayers more then if they ask themselves, but that isn’t true! I’m slowly beginning to learn how to teach others how to pray and to always prays God when he does answer our prayers.
I thank you God for revealing these marvelous revelations to me. I feel a cool peace settling in my spirit. And So God, you want me to continue to be transparent! To share my stories to encourage others to develop a deeper relationship with you. This is a great reward at the cost of our own desires and time. “You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds.” Psalm 65:5