I will fight to follow

December 31, 2013 § Leave a comment

Oh God, I pray that I will not be drawn in by other people’s will or expectation, but that they will be drawn into my will-which is your will, made to worship you. I fall easily into the emotions and expectations of others that I lose my source of identity and faith. Keep a firm grip on me so that I can see the truth and light shining from the heavens as a guide into freedom. I will fight to follow you. I will not give up or give in, I will make an effort to stand firm with the belt of truth buckled around my waist. When the enemy comes to tempt or deceive me – I will resist the devil and call to you for help. Thank you for opening my eyes and renewing my spirit, for giving me hope and strength. Please continue to challenge and shape me into your the authentic man you made me to be. Thank you Jesus.

When I fight to follow you Jesus, I will rebuke the enemy and not stay silent, for the voice you have given me is a weapon. Oh Lord, my mighty king, hear me as I speak and not stay silent, hear me as I call upon your name for I ask for your help, I ask for you to rescue me from this suffocating plague of fear. Fear that disables me to move, to think, to speak, to see the truth that you have given to me. Break these chains that weigh me down in the name of Jesus Christ. My lord, I hear you. I see the thoughts you place in my mind. I see where you want me to be. I want to be willing and able to do anything because I know that you are always with me wherever I go.

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

— let’s go!

Placing my hope in Jesus

December 31, 2013 § Leave a comment

There are times in my day where the time could go on forever.. And what do I choose to keep myself busy? I always try to fill it up with something fun, or relaxing, but I never get around to spend some time with God. Lately, I have been trying to immerse myself in His presence. My days feel long and tiring. The only rest I can seem to find is with Him, but when I do take some time with him, I become distracted with other things – if I were to blog online, Facebook distracts me, or reading manga. These distractions are meaningless and my eyes always dart to them in hope to find something interesting and connecting.

Today was a long day at work. My cousins visited me… And when I was doing my job – I had these thoughts appearing in my mind suddenly: “I don’t want to work here. If only I was younger and had more energy.” I felt repelled from these thoughts which weighed me down even more while I worked. I am reminded of the phase, “I don’t belong here.” It is hard to cope with the world’s will- you need to work to live.

I am working at Whitespot not because I want to, but because God wants me to do his will in this place. Sometimes, it may to be a role model of Christ to my co workers or the customers and to be honest, I am not always that great role model. It’s very hard to show Christ to people, to love regardless of who they are, or what they say or do to you. To love unconditionally just like God does to us.

I’m tired and weary.

It’s times like this where the only person I can turn to is Jesus.

The other day my friend told me that his pastor gave confirmation to him. Confirmation that my letter was prophetic. A confirmation that he was in the right place and at the right time doing God’s will. My friend brought an encouraging flame of hope Into my heart. There are some gifts that I have put on hold because I have been lazy to spend time with God – to hear and listen to his voice, to speak and wait for a response, to dream and pray for miracles to happen. I am well equipped, but I have not been using my gifts properly.

Mercy Mercy bring me to my knees.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

(Isaiah 40:28-31 NIV)

Jesus,
I need help.
I want to be with you.
Wrapped in your eternal light and praise.
Transform me into someone new.
Filled with your glory and power.
You will reign forever more.
Jesus come Renew my strength.
Whisper to me.
Use me.
Amen.

My complaint and struggle made new

December 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

“Im trying to be Perfect.

Everything needs to be perfect.

According to anyone’s expectation, I must meet them to fit in.

I try and try and try to fit in, but I get nowhere.

Because I don’t belong.

I don’t belong in this world.

It’s so frustrating!

And no one understands me or hears or sees me.

And when I am seen and heard, I don’t feel anything special.”

This is how I have been feeling over Christmas break leading up until this night.

These are a few struggles I have been dealing with and burrowing them beneath the surface to be dealt with later. However a friend of mine posted an amazing teaching on Facebook. In which I was able to confess my feelings to God and be free of these burdens. My prayer confessions are written below the picture.

Below in the picture are my first two attempts at drawing hands. When I draw, I feel calm and relaxed. I feel at peace.

20131227-005152.jpg

The first hand, “palm facing up and open is a posture of giving things to God, and receiving his goodness.”

In the writing beside the first hand at the bottom of the page it says:

I OPEN MY HANDS IN POSTURE TO GIVE YOU MY BURDENS AND I OPEN UP MY HANDS TO RECEIVE YOUR TRUTH AND GIFTS YOU HAVE GIVEN ME. AND GIVE ME DISCIPLINE AND A WILLING HEART TO FOLLOW YOU FIRST AND EVERYDAY BEFORE I DO ANYTHING ELSE. I REPENT FOR MY SELFISHNESS. RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION AND GRANT ME A WILLING SPIRIT TO SUSTAIN ME. THANK YOU JESUS. AMEN.

The second hand located at the top of the page represents the posture of saying goodbye to my struggles:

I SAY GOODBYE TO BEING IN CONTROL. FOR TRYING TO FIT INTO THIS WORLD WHEN I DON’T BELONG. FOR CHOOSING WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE AND NOT ASKING OR GIVING EVERYTHING FOR GOD AND ASKING HIM TO USE ME FOR HIS WILL AND WAY. I AM SAYING GOODBYE TO THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE. TO TRYING TO BE SEE. AND HEARD BY THE WORLD. I WANR TO LOOK INTO THE EYES OF GOD, THE KING OF KINGS, THE PRINCE OF PEACE, THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, AND THE LAMB WHO WAS SLAIN. THANK YOU JESUS FOR LISTENING TO ME. THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME LIFE AND A PATH TO BE USED FOR YOUR GLORY. IM SORRY FOR MY WRONG DOINGS. AMEN.

I am constantly learning more about myself and step by step, giving one thing at a time to God.

So in the end, I won’t be holding onto anything anymore.

Slowly, my trust will solidify in his hands and then I can be fully used to bring his glory unto this world and nation.

Ending with Hillsong united, album zion, up in arms.

Brought into the comfort of God

December 27, 2013 § Leave a comment

This morning I have been dwelling on Romans 12:1-21.

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; 8 if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. 9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

This is the response I have been waiting for.

Jesus knows me and He always answers me after I have confessed my true heart to Him. This passage is an encouraging rebuke.

Overcoming this barrier…

December 16, 2013 § Leave a comment

I feel freer! Holy Spirit fall afresh on me.

Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me;
Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me.
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me.
Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me.

Spirit of the living God, move among us all;
make us one in heart and mind, make us one in love:
humble, caring, selfless, sharing.
Spirit of the living God, fill our lives with love.

Acts 10:44

 

I am finally catching up to the things I promised myself I would do. Accomplishing these things have brought my burdens to weigh less, and I feel changed. There is no longer a wall that restricts me from pursuing my dreams and goals. I am excited to step forth with faith, strength, joy, and hope to do what God created me to be. I feel a stirring confidence overwhelming with the presence of the Holy Spirit residing inside my heart.

And so this is the start of a new journey carved by God.

Praise be to You God, my lover and my friend.

It’s creeping upon me

December 7, 2013 § Leave a comment

I’m very limited to what I can handle and what I do when other people tell me things… It’s a creeping pain that forces me to look like a hunch back. These burdens are the pains coming to the surface over my outward attitude in my life. I’m tired, grumpy, unwilling, and frustrated. These are the feelings of darkness that tie me down. Unfruitful and bitterness weeds being exposed in the fields of my heart.

This night is coming down on me. It’s hard to see any light in this blurry fog of fear and sorrow.

Why are there some people where I am able to speak to freely, and for others… I feel as if my tongue had been cut out. I have the power to speak the truth into my life and the authority to be rid of the enemy, however, my heart hardens and I am unwilling.

I am reminded by my heart being hardened from the story in Exodus. I’ve been reading where Moses and Aaron perform miracles and plagues against Pharaoh and his people. And after every plague, The Lord hardens Pharaoh’s heart, until finally Pharaoh releases Moses and his people and their herds and livestock.

I searching for the rest of what’s hidden inside of me to be exposed and brought up to the surface to be dealt with. It’s been so long where I have shoved so much stuff deep and down without ever knowing what I first hid. God gives me strength – it brings me more frustration when I express the truth. This frustration is alive within me, it’s almost like it wants to escape my body, and yet I resist for it to take over. Because I do not want to be defeated by it, I want to overcome it with confidence and faith.

“The Lord Himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as you protective shade.
The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
Both now and forever.” – Psalm 121:5,8

I will rest from here and continue writing to discover the truth within myself.

Please pray for me as I continue to struggle with these burdens.

“I lay down and slept in safety,
For the Lord was watching over me.
I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies
Who surround me on every side” – Ps. 3:5

My beloved community versus my frustrations

December 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

Tonight I experienced numerous amounts of love through my community, Open Door.

One friend gave me comfort as I cried in response to how I was doing. I did not know how to express myself in words, so my emotions came out in all but tears. It felt great, safe, relieving, and comfortable. I always felt embarrassed to show my true self in my community. I was and am loved. I did not speak, but I nodded for prayer when I was asked in a gentle and caring voice. We sat in silence for some time – I understand what silence brings. Thank you friend for giving me comfort, love, and peace. Praise be to you God, the one who gave me this friend.

I opened up and shared a little bit of my struggles to two friends in my bible study group. I did not want to talk, nor pray. No words could escape through my mouth, for the pain of my burdens shut me up. It took me a while to say something… I was trying to break through that barrier of resistance. The power of silence is strong, yet I knew I wanted to share my struggles. I needed to be free, and in order to be free, it would take a lot of will and effort to get out. However, this was what I wanted and needed, but I was still unwilling to accept God’s will for me. I needed to give him everything. I said, “I can’t pray” and I didn’t, but I accepted the prayer of my two friends. Prayer is freeing, especially when others prayed for me when I could pray for myself. Thank you friends for listening to my struggles. Thank you God for bringing me a step closer to my friends in trust, and in freedom towards you.

Still unwilling to talk or do anything, I sat on the kitchen counter using my phone to look up flavoured meringue cookie recipes to bake. A couple of people tried to talk to me, but I didn’t hold onto any of their conversations very well. I didn’t want to talk, and I tried to limit my speech. Since the beginning bible study, my upper back/shoulders ached. I was hunched over like a restless old man. I knew that my posture was like this because of all the burdens I was carrying. A friend came and talked to me after Open Door ended, I shared more of how my crappy two days had been going. Even though I spoke more freely, I knew something was lifting out from me. He told me to read my bible and pray. I didn’t pray then, but he prayed for me, which again I happily accepted. My burdens lifted and I felt freer. I felt more talkative and delightful. Thank you friend for your prayer, for God heard your prayer and he lifted my burdens.

My last friend gave me a ride home. He responded to my need and offered me a ride. I am so joyful to have such a great and loving community. Who attends my needs in every way, when I am unwilling and unable because my burdens and struggles barricade my well being.

My frustrations (burdens and struggles) are not gone. I admit I do feel freer, and able once again, but I can still feel that resisting force trying to shut me up and shove me down back into that pit of darkness. No one dwells in there, but the face of the enemy stabbing every weakness and pain of mine back into my heart. Fear and sorrow. It’s a spiritual battle.

I feel like I will cry and cry until every last tear found in my heart will be squeezed out dry. My burdens are surfacing again… God, won’t you come and set me free from this chaos that drives my life. I am weary, and my body aches with a pulsing red stain. How much longer shall I endure and wrestle with this pain? I clench my teeth with great frustration. I just want your peace residing in my spirit once again.

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for December, 2013 at Through His Small Things.