My beloved community versus my frustrations

December 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

Tonight I experienced numerous amounts of love through my community, Open Door.

One friend gave me comfort as I cried in response to how I was doing. I did not know how to express myself in words, so my emotions came out in all but tears. It felt great, safe, relieving, and comfortable. I always felt embarrassed to show my true self in my community. I was and am loved. I did not speak, but I nodded for prayer when I was asked in a gentle and caring voice. We sat in silence for some time – I understand what silence brings. Thank you friend for giving me comfort, love, and peace. Praise be to you God, the one who gave me this friend.

I opened up and shared a little bit of my struggles to two friends in my bible study group. I did not want to talk, nor pray. No words could escape through my mouth, for the pain of my burdens shut me up. It took me a while to say something… I was trying to break through that barrier of resistance. The power of silence is strong, yet I knew I wanted to share my struggles. I needed to be free, and in order to be free, it would take a lot of will and effort to get out. However, this was what I wanted and needed, but I was still unwilling to accept God’s will for me. I needed to give him everything. I said, “I can’t pray” and I didn’t, but I accepted the prayer of my two friends. Prayer is freeing, especially when others prayed for me when I could pray for myself. Thank you friends for listening to my struggles. Thank you God for bringing me a step closer to my friends in trust, and in freedom towards you.

Still unwilling to talk or do anything, I sat on the kitchen counter using my phone to look up flavoured meringue cookie recipes to bake. A couple of people tried to talk to me, but I didn’t hold onto any of their conversations very well. I didn’t want to talk, and I tried to limit my speech. Since the beginning bible study, my upper back/shoulders ached. I was hunched over like a restless old man. I knew that my posture was like this because of all the burdens I was carrying. A friend came and talked to me after Open Door ended, I shared more of how my crappy two days had been going. Even though I spoke more freely, I knew something was lifting out from me. He told me to read my bible and pray. I didn’t pray then, but he prayed for me, which again I happily accepted. My burdens lifted and I felt freer. I felt more talkative and delightful. Thank you friend for your prayer, for God heard your prayer and he lifted my burdens.

My last friend gave me a ride home. He responded to my need and offered me a ride. I am so joyful to have such a great and loving community. Who attends my needs in every way, when I am unwilling and unable because my burdens and struggles barricade my well being.

My frustrations (burdens and struggles) are not gone. I admit I do feel freer, and able once again, but I can still feel that resisting force trying to shut me up and shove me down back into that pit of darkness. No one dwells in there, but the face of the enemy stabbing every weakness and pain of mine back into my heart. Fear and sorrow. It’s a spiritual battle.

I feel like I will cry and cry until every last tear found in my heart will be squeezed out dry. My burdens are surfacing again… God, won’t you come and set me free from this chaos that drives my life. I am weary, and my body aches with a pulsing red stain. How much longer shall I endure and wrestle with this pain? I clench my teeth with great frustration. I just want your peace residing in my spirit once again.

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