My complaint and struggle made new

December 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

“Im trying to be Perfect.

Everything needs to be perfect.

According to anyone’s expectation, I must meet them to fit in.

I try and try and try to fit in, but I get nowhere.

Because I don’t belong.

I don’t belong in this world.

It’s so frustrating!

And no one understands me or hears or sees me.

And when I am seen and heard, I don’t feel anything special.”

This is how I have been feeling over Christmas break leading up until this night.

These are a few struggles I have been dealing with and burrowing them beneath the surface to be dealt with later. However a friend of mine posted an amazing teaching on Facebook. In which I was able to confess my feelings to God and be free of these burdens. My prayer confessions are written below the picture.

Below in the picture are my first two attempts at drawing hands. When I draw, I feel calm and relaxed. I feel at peace.

20131227-005152.jpg

The first hand, “palm facing up and open is a posture of giving things to God, and receiving his goodness.”

In the writing beside the first hand at the bottom of the page it says:

I OPEN MY HANDS IN POSTURE TO GIVE YOU MY BURDENS AND I OPEN UP MY HANDS TO RECEIVE YOUR TRUTH AND GIFTS YOU HAVE GIVEN ME. AND GIVE ME DISCIPLINE AND A WILLING HEART TO FOLLOW YOU FIRST AND EVERYDAY BEFORE I DO ANYTHING ELSE. I REPENT FOR MY SELFISHNESS. RESTORE TO ME THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION AND GRANT ME A WILLING SPIRIT TO SUSTAIN ME. THANK YOU JESUS. AMEN.

The second hand located at the top of the page represents the posture of saying goodbye to my struggles:

I SAY GOODBYE TO BEING IN CONTROL. FOR TRYING TO FIT INTO THIS WORLD WHEN I DON’T BELONG. FOR CHOOSING WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE AND NOT ASKING OR GIVING EVERYTHING FOR GOD AND ASKING HIM TO USE ME FOR HIS WILL AND WAY. I AM SAYING GOODBYE TO THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE. TO TRYING TO BE SEE. AND HEARD BY THE WORLD. I WANR TO LOOK INTO THE EYES OF GOD, THE KING OF KINGS, THE PRINCE OF PEACE, THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH, AND THE LAMB WHO WAS SLAIN. THANK YOU JESUS FOR LISTENING TO ME. THANK YOU FOR SEEING ME. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME LIFE AND A PATH TO BE USED FOR YOUR GLORY. IM SORRY FOR MY WRONG DOINGS. AMEN.

I am constantly learning more about myself and step by step, giving one thing at a time to God.

So in the end, I won’t be holding onto anything anymore.

Slowly, my trust will solidify in his hands and then I can be fully used to bring his glory unto this world and nation.

Ending with Hillsong united, album zion, up in arms.

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