June 15, 2015 § Leave a comment
has been slipping throughout my entire day.
I’ve been seeing it through the small things such as tiredness, laziness, fear, regret, allergies, and so on…
It began in the morning. I didn’t want to go to church because I was tired from my long split shift of 9.5 hours (12 hours at whitespot) from the day before. But a certain thought of guilt woke me up to be there. On the bus ride there, I heard the word “Resistance” spill into my thoughts. I even talked to a friend who felt a certain resistance happening in her life – not wanting to go to church, but going last minute. We still went, although we both felt the resistance pulling at us,
Coming home tonight, I felt tired and hungry, having not eaten anything for dinner because I wanted to attend (but didn’t really want to..) a friend’s presentation on her internship at International Justice Missions in India. When it’s hot outside, I tend not to eat much because I have no appetite whatsoever. It’s a struggle because I become grumpy, tired, easily irritable, and not in a mood to talk to anyone. However; if you spoke American Sign Language, I may speak to you then :).
During the end of the presentation, fear and regret seized my mind. I was Fearing the thoughts of leading the Leaders In Training program at camp and baking bread for like a hundred people. “Will I be a good leader” or “what will I do?” Almost doubting my capabilities that I’ll be of any use… regret entered and turned me silent. “Maybe I should have not accepted to do baking, or even to be a staff worker for the entire summer… maybe I should have planned to spend more time in Keremeos.”
Finally eating something to fill my belly, a wave of tiredness, laziness, and frustration crowded my soul. Sighing with so much work left to do, I just couldn’t believe that my entire day has been like this… I stumbled upon a realization when i was sharing my struggles with a friend. They spoke of a resistance while getting ready for camp.
“Resistance” came up for the third time today.
All day long I have been dragging myself from one thing to the next and to be honest I feel very crippled and unable to do anything on my own. However, It has placed me in a situation where I can blog freely to share both these struggles and revelations with you all in hope that you may support (give, love, encourage, & pray for) me in my journey to camp this summer and in this new transition in my life.
I forgot to do one thing today as I woke up this morning: I forgot to give this day to God. Normally Every morning before I go to work or start my day, I pray.
“Father, please guide me in this day, give me your joy so I can show others your joy and love. Let this day be about you, and not about me. Use me according to your plans. Thank you Jesus. Amen.“
Revelation: Doing things on my own is tiring, but one thing that generally gives me life to start my day is to pray.