Ready or not?

June 18, 2015 § Leave a comment

Pioneer Pacific Camp, Here I come…

It sounds exciting almost getting ready to leave for camp, but deep down inside I feel terrified. It’s like I’m in a strange state where I am at peace, yet I want to feel terrified… I want to curl up into a ball and cry, but I’m not.. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t.

Today was a lazy day, I didn’t do anything in particular. Being at home with my brain not functioning, all I wanted to do in the silences was listen to music. When I tried talking to people, my tongue be tripping over itself into unformed words. Mush pea soup = brain.

I have a limited amount of time before I’m gone for the summer. I don’t feel ready.

Packing, checking that I have everything, getting last minute things and finishing up a few fundraising letters – i need more time. I need more time not to finish these things, but to rest in the presence of The Lord. I’ve been trying to be busied by the many things of life that need/want to be done that I’ve completely forgot about resting in God’s arms.

Psalm 23:1-6
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Giving my day to God is one thing to do in the morning, but when I have an entire day by myself… What I really need is God. Reading the bible, journalling, reflecting on a few things the Holy Spirit brings to my mind.

There was one thing he reminded me of today. Back at Vancouver community college when I was in my baking and patisserie arts program. There was one time when I cheated on my second final for breads. Now you’re probably surprised to hear that I cheated. I’m guilty to admit that I cheated to help a friend. At that time, my friend did something wrong and was short dough for making hot dog buns. They were really upset and I felt bad, so I took a piece of my bread dough to give to them. I was just an average B student, not a student who was an out-of-the-box thinker. Now this friend was gifted in baking, very creative and I thought they would probably benefit with a better grade than me. And so this was what I believed.

The reason behind this story was not the fact that I cheated on a final exam, I admit I was wrong. But the fact that I chose to sacrifice my own dreams because I thought I wasn’t good enough, in order to make my friend’s dreams come true.

I’m not like that anymore. There are some things in my life where I may take a longer time to learn than some others; however, I will continue to persevere and practice until I get it right.

I can finally chase after my dreams. The road ahead of me is only the beginning and I believe that God will provide every step to help me get there.

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