conflicted

March 13, 2017 § Leave a comment

All throughout today, I was conflicted with a particular situation that happened not too long ago…

Feelings of guilt and shame from that situation attacked me. I kept blaming myself for what had happened and just had to accept it for the time being. Ugh… it feels horrible and I try to distract myself with school work, but sometimes it distracts me from doing any school work.

Here’s the story: When I was on a mission’s trip in China with my YWAM (Youth With A Mission) team, I was praying for visions for a portion of the people on my team. One day, I shared my vision with one of my close friends: In the vision, I saw him/her the size of a giant lying down on an island. There were tiny people with spears and ropes tying the giant up. The giant couldn’t move and was overwhelmed by the swarm of tiny people. My close friend was hurt because what I shared with him/her was a real experience that had happened in the past. I was feeling guilty and shameful for not discerning what my visions meant, and I was overtaken by that present of excitement for receiving visions from the Holy Spirit and sharing them with everyone. After this time, our friendship spiraled downhill, then my friend bluntly told me how my vision had hurt him/her. During that time, the guilt and shame ate my insides up like the flies eating the carcass of a dead animal. We eventually reconciled and to this day are close friends.

I keep thinking back to those stories that made me who I am today. Suffering under the guilt and shame of my decisions (accidents or mistakes-can be considered either). But Jesus suffered more, so I shouldn’t complain. So I keep thinking. I have no right to complain about my suffering.

Escape.

 

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