April 28, 2017 § Leave a comment
Conflicted and confused, why do I run in circles?
These problems of life appear face to face with me and I choose to run as my first response because uncovering the truth over what i think scares me. It scares me..
Resting my head back against the sofa a vision came to mind. I saw a Sword fall down straight into my right eye.
The Sword represents the sword of the spirit, piercing my right eye; it means that it is piercing my vision with truth.
I want to believe that what I have been seeing or witnessing by what my friends do or hear from strangers actually is not the truth. The truth that I need to see comes from the Sword of the Spirit which is the word of God. I need to develop my own philosophy for the things i believe with the support of the Bible.
Reflecting… is painful. Emotions burst forth and all i want to do is sleep my days away and dream. Living in a dream where I can escape reality seems awfully better.
Wrestling with these questions is what God wants me to do.
I just feel so hopeless.
I don’t want to search for those answers.
But I will pray and turn to him, I trust and know he will provide an answer for me.
April 20, 2017 § Leave a comment
For the past week I have disconnected myself from the outside world. Only ever going outside when I needed to. Until tonight, when I cut those chains of bondage, which held me locked up inside a dark pit. Those chains kept my mind from thinking – I had lost myself entirely, being carefree and stress free. I was surviving off of the minimal to no interactions each day and barricading myself inside a dark pit where I sealed off the entrance. To my surprise when those chains fell off me, I began to think once again. I was not the only person sitting the dark pit; the pit that I dug and sealed off.
I looked into the face of the person sitting in front of me. His face glowed with light even though there was no light in this dark place. My eyes opened wide and I gasped, taken aback from this person. Tears rolling down my face in complete surrender.
This person was Jesus Christ who then asked, “Why are you hiding?” Not thinking properly, I responded, “I’m not hiding…” I paused. I thought to myself, “Who have I been hiding from?” The answer was obvious. I was hiding from God.
The moment I broke the seal, everything came undone; all of the distractions that have been keeping a lid on me. I feel everything again. Much like a human being. Much like a child in surrender to God.
April 13, 2017 § Leave a comment
…has been difficult
and a struggle
…has been stressful at times and overwhelming
…was something that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do
…but thinking how far I’ve gotten makes me encouraged
Honestly, school was something I wanted to do and work hard at. I have worked hard, and i’m learning how to work more efficiently and better…
I am enjoying being in school once again.
School was something I was praying for in the previous years and here I am.
I feel really encouraged and blessed.
April 5, 2017 § Leave a comment
Yesterday, I went out for Dim Sum with a classmate and ordered enough food for the two of us. As I was eating an egg tart, I had a craving for another one. Later on, a server comes by and brings us our egg tart, but I said to him, “Oh, we got our egg tart already.” He replied, “Oh really? Well you can just take it.” I thanked him by his name and also thanked God for satisfying my craving.
I recently finished reading “Not Forgotten” by Kenneth Bae where he talks about how God gave him specific food cravings during his imprisonment in North Korea, which God provided and satisfied those food cravings.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4 NIV
I find how funny God is, no he is isn’t just funny… He is a God of provision and a God who loves me. This morning when I woke up late for classes, I was worried that I wouldn’t have any lunch because I didn’t make anything the day before. However, when I saw that some of my classmates came back with plates full of food, I was astonished then I snickered.
It is unbelievable how great God is and it is his never ceasing love that he is pouring into my life now. I… don’t have any words to describe how I am feeling… I am in awe of my God. I am thankful and see that he wants me to trust in him completely – saying that he will provide and meet my every need so I don’t need to worry.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
April 4, 2017 § Leave a comment
The thought of Spring coming to my mind brings fear and mystery.
For 27 years I have suffered with allergies under the constant torment of Spring’s flowers blossoming. Every year, when spring came around, I hoped that that year would only last shortly, but it never did. I could never see the beauty of spring because I was always stuffed up, hiding inside somewhere, fully medicated (and sometimes medication did nothing), or was sleeping.
This was the first year that I am able to see the flowers bloom without any annoyance from my hay fever acting up. I’m afraid whether I am healed or not because I have suffered from it for my whole life. So I begin to question, am I healed? or am I not? Then I ask God whether he has healed me from it or not? It is a back and forth unbelievable battle. I do know that I haven’t reacted thus far and am going about my day as if it were fall.
Earlier this year I was afraid that my allergies would interfere with my ability to work in class or at practicum. I feel like God has healed me from my allergies, but at the same time there are specific days when I sneeze multiple times – like when I do when my allergies are acting up. This year has different year for me too… Studying in an intensive program. I begin to wonder again if God healed me from my allergies so that I can focus on my studies at school. My God is providing for me in miraculous ways that I thought would be impossible. I laugh because I believed that it was impossible for anyone to do, but the verse from the Bible came to mind:
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27 NIV
Honestly, I never thought I would be studying in an intensive program and still be volunteering and having a social life… It is my thanks to God for providing me with the peace that has stopped the stress, anxiety, and fear overwhelm me. There are moments in my days where I feel an absolutely warmth in my heart – in these moments, I feel the love of God tangibly. However, when I’m not experiencing those supernatural moments with God, I still know and feel that he loves me for everything that he has done in my life so far.
He encouraged me during my stressful and anxious days, “Brandon, Look how far you’ve come!” These encouragements lift me up and remind me that I am not alone. It is to say that God will continue to provide for me and guide me through this difficult year, to bring my closer to my dream.
There are other moments in my days where I am reminded by a vision or dream that I have done this already. It feels like a deja vu experience. Those moments are reminders that I am walking along the right path that He has laid out before me.
I wonder back to the thought if I am healed… Everyday that I walk in Spring to see the beauty of the flowers bloom, makes me believe that I am healed because God loves me and can do the impossible that man can’t do.
Thank you God for healing me.
I hesitate to post this because maybe… just maybe I am not healed. I falter to trust in God – it is not solid, and it makes me cry because… then I am not fully believing that I am healed nor do I fully trust that God can provide and do the impossible for me. I don’t want to stand in this place where I can’t trust God completely. I am afraid to completely surrender everything to him. I am afraid that when I do, I’ll lose more than I can afford to lose. This verse comes to my mind:
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Matthew 10:39 NLT
I’m lost in my thoughts – The Holy Spirit is speaking to me as I am reflecting in silence.