April 4, 2017 § Leave a comment
The thought of Spring coming to my mind brings fear and mystery.
For 27 years I have suffered with allergies under the constant torment of Spring’s flowers blossoming. Every year, when spring came around, I hoped that that year would only last shortly, but it never did. I could never see the beauty of spring because I was always stuffed up, hiding inside somewhere, fully medicated (and sometimes medication did nothing), or was sleeping.
This was the first year that I am able to see the flowers bloom without any annoyance from my hay fever acting up. I’m afraid whether I am healed or not because I have suffered from it for my whole life. So I begin to question, am I healed? or am I not? Then I ask God whether he has healed me from it or not? It is a back and forth unbelievable battle. I do know that I haven’t reacted thus far and am going about my day as if it were fall.
Earlier this year I was afraid that my allergies would interfere with my ability to work in class or at practicum. I feel like God has healed me from my allergies, but at the same time there are specific days when I sneeze multiple times – like when I do when my allergies are acting up. This year has different year for me too… Studying in an intensive program. I begin to wonder again if God healed me from my allergies so that I can focus on my studies at school. My God is providing for me in miraculous ways that I thought would be impossible. I laugh because I believed that it was impossible for anyone to do, but the verse from the Bible came to mind:
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27 NIV
Honestly, I never thought I would be studying in an intensive program and still be volunteering and having a social life… It is my thanks to God for providing me with the peace that has stopped the stress, anxiety, and fear overwhelm me. There are moments in my days where I feel an absolutely warmth in my heart – in these moments, I feel the love of God tangibly. However, when I’m not experiencing those supernatural moments with God, I still know and feel that he loves me for everything that he has done in my life so far.
He encouraged me during my stressful and anxious days, “Brandon, Look how far you’ve come!” These encouragements lift me up and remind me that I am not alone. It is to say that God will continue to provide for me and guide me through this difficult year, to bring my closer to my dream.
There are other moments in my days where I am reminded by a vision or dream that I have done this already. It feels like a deja vu experience. Those moments are reminders that I am walking along the right path that He has laid out before me.
I wonder back to the thought if I am healed… Everyday that I walk in Spring to see the beauty of the flowers bloom, makes me believe that I am healed because God loves me and can do the impossible that man can’t do.
Thank you God for healing me.
I hesitate to post this because maybe… just maybe I am not healed. I falter to trust in God – it is not solid, and it makes me cry because… then I am not fully believing that I am healed nor do I fully trust that God can provide and do the impossible for me. I don’t want to stand in this place where I can’t trust God completely. I am afraid to completely surrender everything to him. I am afraid that when I do, I’ll lose more than I can afford to lose. This verse comes to my mind:
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Matthew 10:39 NLT
I’m lost in my thoughts – The Holy Spirit is speaking to me as I am reflecting in silence.